I have not wrote a blog since my son died at the end of October but God is telling me loud and clear that someone, somewhere needs to read this. So I am.
Today was a day filled with trying to cram into to much stuff, places and errands done in one day. Since my sons death, normally my pace through out the day is slow and methodical. I normally accomplish 1/4 of the stuff I use to get done in a day now takes me all week. I find myself staring out in space, thinking and remembering events and times about my son. I miss him so much that when I open my heart up all the way, the pain overwhelms me and I have a hard time breathing. Tear soaked shirts and sleeves are a norm now.
After flying home and dropping the boys off , I grabbed my crossbow (that my middle son had to help me pull back) and drove as fast as I could to the cabin 30 mins away. But as I was getting out of my SUV, my husband called and said his nephew was in the blind I was going to hunt in and that I had baited there two days ago. Frustrated I found another blind that I have never been to and sat, mean while noticing that someone earlier had walked all of the area. I was upset. I look back at it now and think how silly that was to be upset about that. He didn't know that I had worked so hard and planned so long to be there at that moment.
Not seeing anything after sitting for almost 2 hours I started home. Stopped at the local store for chocolate milk and was on my way. But soon noticed how icy the road were I was going pretty darn slow and the closer I got towards home the worse it got. I came across a car in a deep ditch and no one was stopping. I turned around and went back with my flashers on and started down the embankment not sure what I'd find once I got to the car. Luckily the man inside was fine. He didn't speak much English just Spanish and I don't think he had a license. But we communicated enough to find out that he was OK and he called for help. He had a cell phone. I asked if he wanted me to wait with him and he said he wanted me to go ahead and go, but before I left I hugged him. I couldn't help it. I was grateful he wasn't hurt, a stranger a complete stranger I was surprised by my feelings. As I drove off I prayed for him and started to cry. I cried for the people that tried to help my son in his accident but couldn't because it was too late for him and their feeling of helplessness that they must have felt.
As I continued on I saw many, many folks sliding past stop signs,and missing their intended roads. But I prayed again this time for everyone out tonight and for my own safety. I was traveling up a slight hill and my trailblazer just started heading in its own direction without warning or skidding or sliding, it was if someone just grabbed the wheel or pushed my car into the side of a hill and spun around slamming to a stop against the dirt. I was only going 30 and had both hands on the wheel no texting, music, praying or crying. As I was spinning around I kept saying, "it's OK ,it's OK, it's OK ,i'll be alright, I cant make it through this."When I finally stopped, I took a deep breath and tried driving out of the embankment and onto the road and I did. I crept up the hill until I made it to the next drive way and pulled in and put it in park and just let loose.
I cried and yelled out to GOD why? what do you want from me? I am doing the best I can? I am using all of my tools and my knowledge to make it through my grief the best way I possible can and yet I am still being tested? What am I doing wrong? You have my attention!!...............he didn't answer.
I traveled a little further and came across another van in the ditch that hit a few small trees and rested against a medium sized tree and to my amazement he was fine also! His car seamed fine! Much like the first gentleman he didn't speak English very well, French I think. He also said he did not have Insurance, things were too tough and couldn't afford it. Several cars where driving by him offering no help, no one stopped....a man standing in the dark with a light jacket and tennis shoes on, in a snow storm and no one stopped.....wow...... I have to say what are people thinking now days? I stayed with him until Police arrived, hugged him also, then started back on my way.
Once again as I started to drive away, crying, upset and shaking at this point. I decided to try to put my SUV in 4wd again...it has only worked one other time since last year, and it was when I was stuck at my sons graveside in the cemetery. Yes God is all around me and I taking care of me even when I don't think so.
The rest of the ride home was filled with cars passing me, deer on the edge of the road & blowing my horn to scare them away, and taking my time.
When I arrived at home I came into the house and collapsed. I hugged my boys several times and they let me cry in their shoulders, and asked if they could do anything for me. I assured them I was fine just shaken up a lot.
My emotions ranged from the grief of my sons death and his accident, to helping others in their accidents and trying to take care of myself safely.
Maybe God just wanted me there to take care of them and give them assurance and give them a needed hug, and maybe they were there to do the same for me and give me that needed hug back.
In the end they are OK physically, maybe their cars had minor damage and maybe they got a ticket or two but they are OK....and I am OK.....at least I am trying to be OK.....still trying....never give up trying.